Africa is the Old Black, but the New Red

Before I begin my general kvetching, I would like to direct your attention to the most peculiar of the new Gap RED advertisements. The woman in question is supermodel Christy Turlington. Apparently, she is a yoga afficionado, which certainly explains the pose. Unfortunately, it does nothing to explain her ridiculously elongated body. What the hell is going on there? Ten points to the first person who can figure out which art period her body reminds me of. Remember, it was covered in the AP Euro art project. (Answer will be posted on Saturday)

Corporate flacks everywhere are touting the (Product) RED campaign as a historic union of branding and charity. The effort was spearheaded by Bono and Bobby Shriver to encourage companies to raise awareness and funds for AIDS and HIV relief by selling products (many made in Africa) that advertise the RED movement. Although I am always happy to have people pay attention to Africa, unfortunately, no one ever notices it until it is knee deep in a new crisis (read: massacres, famines, epidemic diseases, rising fundamentalism, lack of education, and human rights violations.) The way that HIV and AIDS have devasted Africa, and Southern Africa is particular, is no longer suprising. With leaders like South African President Mbeki, who deny the link between HIV and AIDS, and US-funded abstinence models of sex education, sucessful, progressive reproductive health programs achieve spotty results at best.

So Corporate America has stepped in to shephard us to salvation. Or, if not salvation, then $50.00 denim bags with the word "red" rendered in multiple languages the front. Half of the profits of the Gap RED collection go to The Global Fund, which aids African women and children with HIV/AIDS. At first glance, this is a win-win situation for everyone. The GAP gets to appear relevant and socially conscious, attracting shoppers with its humanistic clothing line. The Global Fund gets increased donations, more Africans are helped, shoppers get wear their consumerism as an example of social responsibility, and Bono gets something new to put on his CV.

But you have to wonder: How much do these people really care about the HIV/AIDS crisis? When I attended last year's Live 8 concert in Philadelphia, I could sense that more people came for the free music than in support of one.org. When Will Smith came on stage, he told the audience that someone dies of HIV/AIDS every time you snap your fingers. Then he asked the audience...to snap their fingers. Alright, call me a wuss, but when I first saw that one.org commercial with all of the celebrities snapping their fingers, it creeped the heck out of me. Every time it came on, I changed the channel. That single sound rendered the epidemic tangible to me: someone's death toll was being sounded. How many times can you listen to that?

Apparently, many times. Everyone around me raised their hands and snapped. But I didn't see any look of recognition on their faces. My hands remained silent.

From the looks of it, the GAP is trying to do what Will Smith couldn't, encourage the client to turn his gaze inward with the outward display of abstract, positive terms, all ending in "red." From hono(red) to cente(red), we can all pay homage to the more enlightened aspects of our identies while simultaneously signalling our social awareness. I was thoroughly enjoying the love-in until I saw a mannequin with a shirt that read:

Hamme(red).

Yeah, me too.

A Most Felicitious Error

In every television show there is always the story arc in which the bright-eye protagonist is torn between two men. One is the wholesome, high-fiber, you-better-believe-your-momma-is-gonna-love-him type gentleman. The other is the rebellious, emotionally unavailable waste of your time (latin name: Assholis Supremis). It comes as no surprise to anyone that in the pivotal final episode of the seaon the GIRL MUST CHOSE betwixt the two.

Fast forward three months later to the season premiere. Deep down inside, you know she's going for the asshole, but you're trying to keep hope alive for the sake of the good guy.

I am fourteen and anxiously awaiting the first Felicity episode of the second season. I have my heart set on this scenario:

Felicity: I chose you, Noel.
Noel: Fuck yeah!

or maybe a slightly more romantic version

Felicity: I chose you, Noel.
Noel turns away to face the camera. A single, crystalline tear tracks down his face. He looks majestic, much like the Native American in that 1970s PSA ad that bemoaned the pollution of our parks and waterways.

Instead I get this:

Felicity: I chose you, BEN
Me: BEN? WHAT THE F----
Ben: Did you hear something, Felicity?
Felicity shakes her head, sending a headful of golden curls bouncing.
Felicity: Only the sound of my heart beating in time with yours.
Me: WHO WROTE THIS GARBAGE?
Ben: Wait a second, you had to have heard that. Someone's yellling...
Me: FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Felicity: I have always dreamed of the day that we would be together.
Ben: Hush, woman! [begins fiddling with the radio, picks it up, holds it to his ear.]
Is this thing on?
Me: THIS SUCKS. WHERE IS THE POWER RANGERS CHICK? AT LEAST SHE'S MILDY ENTERTAINING.
Ben: Don't you think that's a little rude?
Felicity: How is it rude? I think it's romantic. It's like, fate. Wait till I tell Sally about this! Where's my tape recorder?
Me: UGH. NOW IT'S BACK TO DAWSON'S CREEK.

[Fade to Black]

--- This post brought to you by the new season of Grey's Anatomy

The STI-Pregnancy Matrix

When we get bored, we get pseudointellectual.

The current theory being tossed around by Bae & Me (aka A Corporation of Brilliance) is an analysis of teen STI and pregnancy rates. The slate.com economist blogger posited that the increase in STIs among teens was a direct result of decreased pregnancy rates. The connection? More teens were engaging in non-vaginal intercourse to avoid pregnancy, and of course, doing this without protection, which sharply increases their chances of catching a "social disease."

So we wondered: How much more desirable is an STI than a pregnancy? (Bae began scribbling some sort of equation as is required of an econ major. I relaxed into some anthropological po-mo theory and began blabbing about Foucault, who, fortunately for me, applies to EVERYTHING).

We came to the conclusion that for teens any bacterial STI is preferable to a teen pregnancy. These can normally be cured by a course of antiobitics. Then comes pregnancy, which is a transient state regardles of which decision the teen ultimately takes. Lastly comes viral STIs, which are incurable as of yet. So yes.

Gonorrhea. Then Baby. Then Herpes.

--- Bae & Me