The Last Hates of August

In an effort to clear my blurry and spotted soul, I am venting all my hates for the month of August. Add your own hates at will.

1) Pregnant women who constantly use "we." It's we nothing, sucka, just remember it will be
you pushing a 10-pound baby out of your
birth canal in nine months' time. Just something to think about.
2) Papaya. 'Nuf said.
3) People who follow me up and down the desk at work. Stand still! I have my own shadow.
4) People who come up to the desk before I call them. Did I ask if I could help you yet? No?
Then step back, I probably already hate you.
5) Dry clean only clothing.
6) Roaches who play dead and are gone by the time you get the paper towel.
7) Tattoo-neck and It-gets-me-off guy on Project Runway.
8) Eczema. Don't you judge me!

Let's Take a Scary Turn onto Quincy Street

My roommate managed to find a free bed on Craigslist. He moved it in yesterday, after renting a U-Haul. I was inside the kitchen/living room and saw him come in, drop off the matress and then he disappeared for a good twenty or so minutes. When he finally came back he told me that as he was getting out of the truck, one of the women who lives two buildings down from us invited him over to have a drink. Of Hennessey. HENNESSEY. All I could think of was:

Why are black people drinking Hennesseey out of plastic cups?! On a Tuesday night?? On a stoop???

They worked him over pretty well. Somehow they managed to figure out that we live in the same apartment, which is weird, since we've never come in or out at the same time. Needless to say, they think we're shacking up and he did nothing to dissuade them from the fact, because, as he claims, they began referring to him as something along the lines of a young tender sweet thing and he was terrified of where that was heading.

Illogical Sentence of the Day

Courtesty of news.com.au (as of 8/22/06)

Excerpt of article: "Jolie flees Pitt to luxury hotel"

"The pillow-lipped Jolie is said to be buckling under the pressure of postnatal depression, the fact that her mother is battling a serious illness, and the relentless attention of being one half of Hollywood's golden couple.

Strikingly skinny, she has become trapped in the goldfish bowl.

Jolie is said by friends to be desperate to quit Hollywood for good to set up a nomadic existence in Africa -- all of which has put her distinctly at odds with Pitt, who wants to bring up their young family in California."

-----
Looking back at the source of the article I finally realized that "postnatal" must be the Australian version of "postpartum." For a while there, I was wondering why the sentence sounded slightly off. But no matter, on to the Illogical Sentence of the Day, which you can clearly see bolded and separted from the rest of the article.

Usually introductory clauses bear some relation to the rest of the sentence, be it casual, descriptive, etc.

For example, EX: "Typically gregarious, Margaret displayed a new armour of reserve after her pet rock was accidentally cemented into the fireplace."

In mathematical terms you could say, EX: "A -> B" or some sort of "A(b) = B*

So knowing that Angelina Jolie is now strikingly skinny should help us understand her golfish bowl imprisionment. Yet, it doesn't. Perhaps if the sentence if the introduction phrase had been modified in an appropriate manner, we could have reveled a logical, grammatically correct sentence like the ones I shall now show you.

Ex: Strikingly shrunken to the size of small goldfish and standing much too close to the fish flakes, she has become trapped in the goldfish bowl.

or

Ex: Strikingly skinny, she has fallen through a grate in the sidewalk, been washed into the sewer system, and set free in the ocean, where she will not become trapped in the (or any) goldfish bowl.

* I completely made up that second mathematical example. What is it that? A function of some sort? Whatever.

The Library is for Research Purposes Only

Bobst NYU action
Reply to: pers-192401301@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-10, 11:22AM EDT
Hey, I need to let you guys know that I tested positive for SYPHILIS. I've played around in the Bobst bathrooms quite a bit in the past few months. My doctor said I should contact anyone I've been with for the past three months, so this is my attempt. I've given and gotten blowjobs, given and gotten handjobs, fingered and been fingered. I'm white, about 5'7, short brown hair - but I guess this describes a lot of people. You may want to go get tested if you've participated in anything in the bathrooms in the past couple of months. I won't respond to emails - just go get tested. You can go to a Dept of Health clinic for free. I think you can call 311 for locations. Sorry about this, but I didn't know I had it.

And now, for a bit of explanation. While I was studying abroad, one of the Graduate Assistants told us that the NYU Bobst library bathrooms are hotbeds of gay sexual activity. My response, "It's never that serious," and then a pause, and then, "EW, in the bathroom?!"

I forgot about it for a while, but then a coworker mentioned to me that if you looked up the Men Seeking Men profiles on Craigslist and typed in Bobst as a keyword search, you could find men looking for a bit of action. Needless to say, I was bored today and found this....so if you're ever inclined to have random sex in a restroom facility be forewarned: Nobody likes a syphilitic.

Mo' Movies, Mo' Popcorn

Welcome to the August installment of "Mo' Movies, Mo' Popcorn". I hope you've all had the opportunity to see at least one of the movies mentioned on the July list. I saw one that I didn't include, "LittleMiss Sunshine," and it was HI-larious to say the least.

For the month of August, I want you all to explore the depths of the human condition by watching the following films. Movies will be graded by tasty ethnic dishes instead of letters.


HIT ME UP THE BIG SCREEN

Half Nelson: If you saw The Notebook and thought it was as lame as I did, then you will interpret Half Nelson as Ryan Gosling's 2006 Act of Penance. He plays a Brooklyn middle school social studies teacher who moonlights as a crackhead. Yes, I said it. Crack. Head. I know. That's movie gold right there! After he's caught smoking crack in the girls' locker room by one of his students, they strike up a friendship. (Which is the exact same thing I would do in that circumstance, especially after taking a hit off the crackpipe.) He tries to lead her on the right path, while her brother, a drug dealer, leads her the opposite way. You should support it. It's an indie and the two directors volunteer at the place I used to (826).

Grade: Mama's Baked Chicken with Green Beans and Rice

The Last King of Scotland: I think of this movie as an amalgamation of several movies and novels (however, it is based on actual events). A young Scottish doctor travels to Uganda and somehow manages to become the personal doctor of Ugandan Dictator Idi Amin (Forest Whittaker). Amin soon gets on the psycho train and begins to slaughter people. Scottish doctor becomes mildly concerned. Falls in love with a Ugandan woman. Realizes he should have paid attention to that very bad feeling he had about all this. Attempts to leave country. Border access denied. Idi Amin invokes the African practice of extended families by declaring, "You are my son! You cannot leave!"

It takes a village to raise a child. And one crazy ass African to kill everybody!

Grade: Tomato Goat Stew with Pounded Yam

RENT ME

The Beat That My Heart Skipped (De battre mon coeur s'est arrêté). This Jacques Audiard film chronicles the story of a young French gangster (L'Auberge Espagnole's Romain Duris) who must decide between following in the footsteps of his property shark father, or becoming a concert pianist like his dead mother. Being a French movie, expect much sexual tension between characters who you never knew were attracted to one another prior to the pivotal moment in which they confess their desires.

Ex: "I know you feel it! We are like two shy children together!"

And since most of us don't speak French, I ask you to relish in the English subtitles, which feature phrases like,"couscous joint," and "are you flipping out? are you flipping out???"

GRADE: Charlotte aux Fraises

Le Manifesto

After much pre-marital counseling, the blog and I decided to have another go at it. This time, it's serious.

No lies.
No affairs.
No conveniently forgetting to pick up the kids from daycare.
No faxing during dinner.
And picking up after your own damn self.

XXX,

morrie